Hey Hentai! In my mind, there are really two main categories of porn. Sure, if you really drill down into it, you can separate things a million and one different ways, but at the base of things, you’ve got real-life porn and hentai. Just like with musical subgenres, there are a whole bunch of other ways to classify things, but at when I sit down to jerk off, the first decision I make is whether I want to watch real-life women or their drawn facsimiles. More often than not, I end up choosing hentai. Maybe it’s the fact that it reminds me of my waifu pillow, or maybe it’s the fact that real women scare me shitless, but whatever the reason is, it’s where my mind goes and my dick follows. So I’m always on the lookout for new hentai sites. HeyHentai, with its friendly name and appealing preview images jumped out at me. So let’s dive in, shall we?
Good Content, But Where Is It All?
The most important part of any porn site, hentai or otherwise, is the quality of the videos. Let me start things off by saying that you don’t have anything to worry about there—they’re long enough, hot enough, and though not universally high-definition, they’re of a high enough resolution that you won’t need to squint to see them. You might need to squint to see your dick (unless you’re hung like ThePornDude), but once you manage to squeeze two fingers around it, you can focus on your screen much more easily. My high praise ends there, though. One of the biggest downside to HeyHentai is the lack of content. The videos are great and the site works well enough, but there are less than two hundred videos in total available for you to watch. This is totally understandable—it takes time and money to create quality content, and HeyHentai hasn’t been around forever. But it’s still something to be wary of. If you have room in your porn budget for multiple sites, HeyHentai may be worth a place in your roster. But if you’re some unfortunate soul who is only able to subscribe to one, you may want to reconsider—if you masturbate as often as I do, you might run out of content and be forced to jerk off to re-runs. Which, now that I really think about it, isn’t so bad. I spend most of the time that I’m not watching porn binging on the same two shows on Netflix over and over again anyway, so why not do the same with hentai?
That isn’t my only complaint about the site, though. I’m guessing that HeyHentai is not run by native English speakers, because they have some of the laziest and least-descriptive video titles I’ve ever seen. I swear to God, at least ten percent of the videos have the phrase “big tits hottie” in their titles. Granted, they are in fact all big tits hotties, but the phrase starts to lose all meaning if you apply it this frequently. The same problem comes up with the other titles, too—you’ll see “horny chick,” “hot babe,” and “big dick dude” come up over and over again. It’s almost like they generated the video titles using some kind of stock phrase generator. The end result of all of this is that the titles end up so generic that you can’t really use them to determine what the video actually contains. You’re much better off just looking at the thumbnail. But even that is a big letdown—instead of a video preview like so many other sites, you just get a single image to preview the video. In some cases, this works out fine, because the image is representative of the content, but other times it ends up being as mystifyingly vague as the title. These problems are compounded by the fact that there are no tags and no categories. Each video has nothing describing its content except for the nearly useless title, and there isn’t even a basic search function, so you’re pretty much hung out to dry when it comes to video discovery. What you’re left with is sorting via most recent, most viewed, or top-rated. Essentially, you just have to trust that the other members of HeyHentai have good taste, because there’s no other meaningful way of finding videos. But guess what? These guys were just clicking at random just like you are, so the most viewed sort is next to useless too. In the end, the only useful method of sorting through HeyHentai is the list of top-rated videos. So I hope you have the same taste as the general public, otherwise, you’re shit out of luck and you’re just going to be clicking at random.
HeyHentai has good porn, but it has so many flaws that whether or not the site is worth your money will really come down to a matter of taste. If you like a good enough portion of the videos that you can overlook the flaws, you’ll be fine, but if you don’t, the lack of features will ruin the sites for you. For this reason, I recommend starting off with a trial membership to check things out. Be very careful with the three-day trial, though. Even though it starts off as one of the cheapest trials in porn, it quickly degenerates into an absolute ripoff if you don’t remember to switch or cancel your membership. Your first three days will only cost thirty-three cents each, true, but your next month will cost a whopping fifty bucks. Instead, you’ll either want to cancel… well, who the fuck am I kidding. If you’re anything like me, you’re not going to cancel. Just accept the fact that you’re a sad, lonely, virgin and sign up for a longer-term subscription. If you have some hope that your life is going to turn around and that you won’t be spending the rest of your pathetic existence jerking off to cartoons, you could sign up for a month at a rate of $39.99 each and every thirty days. But if you’re willing to accept that things won’t change quite that quickly, the price will drop a bit more when you agree to give up on human contact for three months at a time—this will run you just about thirty dollars a month. The real savings don’t come until you commit to a full year of loneliness, though. Once you do, the price will drop to less than half of even the three-month plan—just thirteen bucks per month. It’s a trade-off between value and hope, but I find that life is a lot more comfortable when you stop pretending that things will change and start to accept who you are. It’s a shame that a lifetime membership isn’t an option, though—it would really do wonders for my self-esteem if I didn’t have to consciously recognize that I’m going to be spending another year alone in the basement with hentai instead of out talking to real live women each and every year. They’ll offer you some extra trial memberships when signing up, but be extra careful with those as well. Just like the trial to HeyHentai, these are cheap to start—you’ll get four days with AllJapanese Pass and five days to 1001DVDs for just an extra two dollars. But, again like with HeyHentai, they’ll become exorbitantly expensive after—together, these two bonus sites will start to run you close to a hundred bucks a month one your trial runs out. You know yourself better than I do. If you can be responsible and keep an eye on your trials, feel free to sign up for them. But if you can’t, you’re better off saying now. I assumed that I would remember, but I must have been too busy jerking off to HeyHentai to cancel, and I’m a hundred dollars poorer for it, so let that be a lesson to you. Well, that’s not strictly true. Mommy is a hundred dollars poorer for my mistake. I got a spanking for it, so I guess in the end it all worked out okay.