Hey Hentai! In my mind, there are
really two main categories of porn. Sure, if you really drill down into
it, you can separate things a million and one different ways, but at the
base of things, you’ve got real-life porn and hentai. Just like with
musical subgenres, there are a whole bunch of other ways to classify
things, but at when I sit down to jerk off, the first decision I make is
whether I want to watch real-life women or their drawn facsimiles.
More often than not, I end up choosing hentai. Maybe it’s the fact that
it reminds me of my waifu pillow, or maybe it’s the fact that real women
scare me shitless, but whatever the reason is, it’s where my mind goes
and my dick follows. So I’m always on the lookout for new hentai sites.
HeyHentai, with its friendly name and appealing preview images jumped
out at me. So let’s dive in, shall we?
Good Content, But Where Is It All?
The most important part of any porn site, hentai or otherwise, is the
quality of the videos. Let me start things off by saying that you don’t
have anything to worry about there—they’re long enough, hot enough, and
though not universally high-definition, they’re of a high enough
resolution that you won’t need to squint to see them. You might need to
squint to see your dick (unless you’re hung like ThePornDude), but once
you manage to squeeze two fingers around it, you can focus on your
screen much more easily.
My high praise ends there, though. One of the biggest downside to
HeyHentai is the lack of content. The videos are great and the site
works well enough, but there are less than two hundred videos in total
available for you to watch. This is totally understandable—it takes time
and money to create quality content, and HeyHentai hasn’t been around
forever. But it’s still something to be wary of.
If you have room in your porn budget for multiple sites, HeyHentai may
be worth a place in your roster. But if you’re some unfortunate soul who
is only able to subscribe to one, you may want to reconsider—if you
masturbate as often as I do, you might run out of content and be forced
to jerk off to re-runs.
Which, now that I really think about it, isn’t so bad. I spend most of
the time that I’m not watching porn binging on the same two shows on
Netflix over and over again anyway, so why not do the same with hentai?
That isn’t my only complaint about the site, though. I’m guessing that
HeyHentai is not run by native English speakers, because they have some
of the laziest and least-descriptive video titles I’ve ever seen. I
swear to God, at least ten percent of the videos have the phrase “big
tits hottie” in their titles. Granted, they are in fact all big tits
hotties, but the phrase starts to lose all meaning if you apply it this
The same problem comes up with the other titles, too—you’ll see “horny
chick,” “hot babe,” and “big dick dude” come up over and over again.
It’s almost like they generated the video titles using some kind of
stock phrase generator. The end result of all of this is that the titles
end up so generic that you can’t really use them to determine what the
video actually contains.
You’re much better off just looking at the thumbnail. But even that is a
big letdown—instead of a video preview like so many other sites, you
just get a single image to preview the video. In some cases, this works
out fine, because the image is representative of the content, but other
times it ends up being as mystifyingly vague as the title.
These problems are compounded by the fact that there are no tags and no
categories. Each video has nothing describing its content except for the
nearly useless title, and there isn’t even a basic search function, so
you’re pretty much hung out to dry when it comes to video discovery.
What you’re left with is sorting via most recent, most viewed, or
top-rated. Essentially, you just have to trust that the other members of
HeyHentai have good taste, because there’s no other meaningful way of
But guess what? These guys were just clicking at random just like you
are, so the most viewed sort is next to useless too. In the end, the
only useful method of sorting through HeyHentai is the list of top-rated
videos. So I hope you have the same taste as the general public,
otherwise, you’re shit out of luck and you’re just going to be clicking
HeyHentai has good porn, but it has so many flaws that whether or not
the site is worth your money will really come down to a matter of taste.
If you like a good enough portion of the videos that you can overlook
the flaws, you’ll be fine, but if you don’t, the lack of features will
ruin the sites for you. For this reason, I recommend starting off with a
trial membership to check things out.
Be very careful with the three-day trial, though. Even though it starts
off as one of the cheapest trials in porn, it quickly degenerates into
an absolute ripoff if you don’t remember to switch or cancel your
membership. Your first three days will only cost thirty-three cents
each, true, but your next month will cost a whopping fifty bucks.
Instead, you’ll either want to cancel… well, who the fuck am I kidding.
If you’re anything like me, you’re not going to cancel. Just accept the
fact that you’re a sad, lonely, virgin and sign up for a longer-term
subscription. If you have some hope that your life is going to turn
around and that you won’t be spending the rest of your pathetic
existence jerking off to cartoons, you could sign up for a month at a
rate of $39.99 each and every thirty days.
But if you’re willing to accept that things won’t change quite that
quickly, the price will drop a bit more when you agree to give up on
human contact for three months at a time—this will run you just about
thirty dollars a month.
The real savings don’t come until you commit to a full year of
loneliness, though. Once you do, the price will drop to less than half
of even the three-month plan—just thirteen bucks per month. It’s a
trade-off between value and hope, but I find that life is a lot more
comfortable when you stop pretending that things will change and start
to accept who you are.
It’s a shame that a lifetime membership isn’t an option, though—it would
really do wonders for my self-esteem if I didn’t have to consciously
recognize that I’m going to be spending another year alone in the
basement with hentai instead of out talking to real live women each and
They’ll offer you some extra trial memberships when signing up, but be
extra careful with those as well. Just like the trial to HeyHentai,
these are cheap to start—you’ll get four days with AllJapanese Pass and
five days to 1001DVDs for just an extra two dollars. But, again like
with HeyHentai, they’ll become exorbitantly expensive after—together,
these two bonus sites will start to run you close to a hundred bucks a
month one your trial runs out.
You know yourself better than I do. If you can be responsible and keep
an eye on your trials, feel free to sign up for them. But if you can’t,
you’re better off saying now. I assumed that I would remember, but I
must have been too busy jerking off to HeyHentai to cancel, and I’m a
hundred dollars poorer for it, so let that be a lesson to you.
Well, that’s not strictly true. Mommy is a hundred dollars poorer for my
mistake. I got a spanking for it, so I guess in the end it all worked
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