Erotic Monkey

Escort reviews at "The Erotic Monkey", aka "Escort Monkey"? WTF? Is this some bestiality site, or what? Anyways, first things first; let’s face facts. There is a 99% chance that all you were going to do tonight before reading this article was jack off, eat something, and go to bed alone. It’s sad, but it’s true. I mean, that would be the easy thing to do, right? A hell of a lot easier than going out and trying to actually bang a chick. That takes time, probably money (to buy her drinks, etc.), and effort. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if a sexy slut could just show up at your door within the hour, willing to do anything you command her to do?

Well, lucky for you, we live in the information age. Not that most guys use the internet a whole lot for learning. Luckily, it’s never been easier to find an escort in your city than it is today, which means that you – yes, even a fat, lazy slob such as yourself – can get laid pretty much on demand any day of the week. If you have a little bit of money to spare, that is.

You might be thinking that ordering an escort is below you. You know, paying for sex gets a bad rep and all, but have you ever stopped to consider why, or whether or not that rep is warranted? What is so shameful about it paying for sex? Don’t we all kind of pay for sex, in one way or another, when it comes down to it? Think about it; whether you’re paying a girl directly for sex, or you’re taking her out on dates and paying for dinner and drinks, you’re still spending money with the end goal of getting some pussy, right?

Why not cut out all the extra hassle and extra steps and just give a girl money directly without having to cross your fingers about whether or not you’re going to get some ass out of it? It’s much more honest and direct. Quit being such a pussy and just get over the fucking stigma already. Plus, it saves you a whole lot of time and energy, since you won’t have to try and woo her or seduce her into fucking you. If you’ve never done it before, I say fuck it, just give it a shot!

As you probably could imagine, there are a fuck ton of escort ad and escort review sites out there to choose from. And, just like with any website, not all of them are created equal. Some are awesome, really easy to use, have convenient search engines with tons of filters to help you find the perfect girl, and provide all the information you’ll need to get ahold of the girl. Others will be lacking in one or more of those features, and some are just straight-up shit and should be avoided like herpes.

Do it Like They Do on the Discovery Channel

One of the most popular escort review sites out there is known as Erotic Monkey. An unusual name, for sure, probably derived from the fact that guys like us are mostly just horny baboons – hairy, constantly clutching our bananas, and always looking for a quick fuck. Their slogan, found below an image of a smiling monkey holding onto a phallic banana, is “never spank your monkey again.” It’s all starting to make sense, isn’t it? Either way, Erotic Monkey is one of the leading escort review sites on the internet. And as soon as you land on the site’s home page, it should become abundantly clear just why that is the case.

You won’t even have to go out of your way to find girls in your area. Erotic Monkey automatically detects your location and immediately provides you with beautiful pieces of ass within 50 miles or so of you, making your life a hell of a lot easier. After all, by the time you think to yourself, ‘hey, maybe I’ll order myself an escort,’ chances are you’re already extremely horny. Erotic Monkey gets that, and it wants to help you get straight to business – fuck all the bullshit!

Can Get Real Expensive, Real Quick

So, what you’ll find in the middle of the page when you arrive at Erotic Monkey is a list of the newest escort reviews. Well, you won’t actually be able to see the reviews. That is one of the significant downsides of this site. You’ll have to upgrade your membership to actually read and leave reviews of the girls. And doing so is far from cheap. You’re looking at paying either $279 for a full yearlong membership, $100 for two months, or $200 for about a quarter of a year. No matter how you slice it, on top of actually paying the girls that you will end up reviewing, this could quickly become a costly habit.

But forget the reviews for now. Because if all you’re looking for is a great site to help you find escort ads and get in touch with the girls, Erotic Monkey can help you out completely free of charge. That is actually how I would recommend using the site. At least at first. Once you become a little more experienced and actually have racked up some girls to review, then it may be worth considering a paid membership.

Easy to Use, Streamlined Site Design, and Some Cool Features

Above the list of escorts near you that automatically comes up when you arrive at the site, you’ll find the following. A search bar (search by name, phone number, or city), and a pretty convenient site menu bar (choose between Add an Escort, Blog, Forum, Escorts, Erotic Massage, My Account, and Log Out). In addition to these site navigation buttons and a simple search bar, there is a button for Advanced Search, allowing you to really pin down your perfect piece of ass. Filter by age range, ethnicity, body type, breast type, ass type, height, even whether or not she smokes (if that’s a concern). Anyways, there are many other customizable options to be taken advantage of in the advanced search engine.

At the very top of the site, you will find a quick access toggle button, allowing you to switch between safe browsing and the full site. Quickly censor the site if you’re browsing in public or at work. Toggling safe mode “on” will take away all the pics and switch the funny little monkey character into an alternate logo that just reads “EM” in a bold font. I wouldn’t advise searching for escorts in the office anyway, but hey, maybe you want to get fired!

Now that we have all the essential functions and site design quirks out of the way, it’s time to take a look at some girls. Although I can’t really speak for the quality of the girls themselves (it’s going to vary quite a bit depending on your location), I can say that they seem to consistently provide all the information you could ask for in the girls’ profiles. And if the profile is missing anything, they always give some means of contacting her directly, so that she can speak to you about prices and screening (if she does that … most of the good ones do, by the way).

Don’t be an Idiot

And from there, the ball’s kind of in your court. It’s on you to browse and to be smart about what girls you invite over your house or who you go to visit. It is generally a red flag, though, if she only has one pic. That’s often a sign that she is either fake or probably doesn’t look a whole lot like the girl whose pic she has in her profile. But, then again, that’s not always the case. It just sucks when you order an escort who looks like Beyonce in her pictures, but then looks more like Oprah when she shows up to your place. This is another example of why it is probably not a horrible idea to sign up for a paid membership on this site; the reviews will let you know if a bitch is lying about her appearance in her pics or not.

Not only can you find the perfect paid companion to ease your lonelier nights on Erotic Monkey, but you can also read the latest escorting news. Just check the discussions, the site’s blog, and the forums section. Some of the girls even post in the forums, explaining where they will be traveling. Plus, it can be helpful for you to brush up on your escort etiquette before you spend the night with one. Learn how not to be a piece of shit!

All in all, Erotic Monkey, just like Eccie and USASexGuide, has developed quite a name for themselves as far as escort ad sites are concerned. And they have earned it. Between excellent site design, some awesome features, an amazingly detailed advanced search function, rigorous reviews, and plenty of posts of sexy ladies willing to make you cum for a price, you really can’t go wrong. Well, aside from draining your bank account along with your dick…but that comes with the territory.